


When the Cat can't get away

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Rare Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:04:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4660704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cat's vanity gets him into deep trouble when after an explosion he finds himself locked in his clothes chamber with no-one but Arnold J Rimmer for company. After surviving the initial hostilities it soon transpires that they have more in common than they thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the Cat can't get away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chris Barrie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Chris+Barrie), [Danny John-Jules](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Danny+John-Jules), [The Red Dwarf Posse](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Red+Dwarf+Posse), [Danny John Jules Day 2015](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Danny+John+Jules+Day+2015).



> I was inspired to write this one for Danny John-Jules after our Twitter conversations and the great people at the Red Dwarf Posse. Thanks guys!!

_(Cat is in what appears to be a giant closet, he is searching for something. He is in a hurry and panicking slightly. He is wearing a very elegant dressing gown over glittering pyjamas.)_  
  
**Cat:** Red, it has to be red!!  
  
_(Rimmer runs in, out of breath.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(hurried)_ : There you are you goit. I've been looking for you for ages. What the smeg you think you're playing at? We're on red alert!! We need to go now!!

 **Cat:** I know straitjacket! That is why I'm searching for my red suit. There ain't NO WAY I'm getting out of here in pyjamas!  
  
**Rimmer:** We haven't got time for that. Kryten says we've got less than three minutes to abandon ship!!  
  
_(Cat simply ignores Rimmer and continues his search. He finds an orange suit.)_  
  
**Cat:** Orange, orange suits explosions!

 **Rimmer** _(Grabs Cat by the arm and drags him towards the door)_ : We have to leave now, you simple minded mongrel!! You hear me: NOW!!

 _(Too late!_  
_A giant explosion rages through the hallway. Rimmer and the Cat are blasted backwards and fall to the floor. The door slams shut and the lock visibly melts. Rimmer and The Cat are trapped in Cat's closet. They sit up and stare at each other in horror. Cat is the first to jump to his feet in panic.)_  
  
**Cat:** No!! No, this cannot be happening!

 **Rimmer** _(remarkably calm)_ : Oh, calm down! _(He gets up and winces, he rubs his back.)_  
  
**Cat** : Calm down? _(He bends down and picks up the now slightly scorched orange costume)_ This was one of my favourite pieces. I only wore it once!

 **Rimmer:** You are upset about your costume? We're locked in your smegging closet!  
  
**Cat** _(Stops panicking)_ : Hey! I can stay here the rest of my life? It's paradise.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Smirks knowingly_ ): You do realise we might have to spend days, if not weeks here _together_?!  
  
**Cat** _(It's starting to click)_ : Weeks? Me and you together?  
  
_(Cat turns round and starts to pound the walls.)_  
  
**Cat:** Help, get me out of here!! For God sake, get me out of here!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Seeing a certain  David Lister is your God, I think we can eliminate that option, don't you?  
  
**Cat:** I can't take this. Captain Uncool locked with my suits. This is hell!!

 **Rimmer** _(too calm)_ : Calm down kittykat, no-one can hear you. They're at the other end of the ship. With the hall collapsed who knows when they'll ever get here.  
  
_(Cat swirls to face Rimmer suspiciously and begins to sniff and circle him.)_  
  
**Cat** _(threateningly)_ : What's wrong with you? Why are you so calm? We've almost been blown up and we're locked in. Why aren't you foetal behind my sock draw?  
  
**Rimmer** _(laughing idiotically)_ : I think I might be in shock, you know. Because I feel great. Well, except for my back. Also, I know something you don't.  
  
**Cat:** Oh yeah? What is it?  
  
**Rimmer:** I can get out of here. _(He begins to search for his lightbee.)_  
  
**Cat:** So you're just abandoning me?  
  
**Rimmer:** Ish … I think it's better for the both of us. Don't worry, I'm going to warn the others. And with me leading the rescue party you'll be out in no time!! _(Thinks)_ Or if you'd prefer me to stay to keep up morale ...  
  
**Cat** _(Too fast)_ : No!  
  
_(Rimmer has located his lightbee and takes it. When he looks at it he freezes in horror: the heat of the explosion has melted the buttons together. He realises just how close he was to being blown up and full panic sets in.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** My lightbee, it almost melted. I could have died.  
  
_(He frantically begins to press the buttons, but nothing happens.)_  
  
**Cat:** Never mind about that, when are you leaving?  
  
**Rimmer** _(panicking)_ : I can't. The buttons are knackered. My God, how close was I?! I can't switch to softlight or beemode. I'm stuck. Stuck with you! And I can't even do my softlight meditations!  
  
**Cat** : Wait! You're not leaving?  
  
**Rimmer:** Did you hear what I just said? My lightbee almost melted. I could have died. Do you realise how close I was? It melted my lightbee!!  
  
_(His eyes glaze over and Rimmer seems stuck in a strange trance-like panic loop.)_  
  
**Cat:** Of all the people to get stuck with! Kill me now!!!

 **Rimmer:** My lightbee almost melted. I could have died. Do you realise how close I was? It melted my lightbee!!  
  
**Cat:** Soft paddle the insane song and listen to the sound of clarity: What are we going to do?  
  
**Rimmer:** My lightbee almost melted. I could have died. Do you realise how close I was? It melted my lightbee!!  
  
_(A fed up Cat moves towards Rimmer and slaps him. Rimmer jumps backwards, startled.)_  
  
**Cat:** Any calmer, buddy?! Now quit hogging the dead thing. I was next to you, that damn lightbee could have been me. Atleast you're used to being dead.  
  
**Rimmer** _(his eyebrows slowly rise as he brings his hand to his cheek)_ : You hit me. _(Fully realises)_ How dare you!  
  
**Cat:** Did I have any choice? You were like a boring version of the midsection from “Ain't No Sunshine”.  
  
**Rimmer:** Forget about that now: You hit me. You struck a member of the Space Corp in the face. Do you have any idea of the repercussions for that?  
  
**Cat:** I think you'll find the repercussions for agitating a cat in his territory are slightly more severe, Captain Gasbag.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Delirious by a combination of anger and panic)_ : Right, that's it! _(Grabs one of Cat's suits)_ : One more word, one more word and the suit gets it!  
  
_(Cat jumps in front of Rimmer, they stare at each-other menacingly.)_  
  
**Cat:** Oh yeah?!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Yeah!!  
  
**Cat:** You haven't got the guts!!

 **Rimmer:** Try me, buster!!  
  
**Cat:** Oh yeah?!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Yeah!!  
  
_(A heavy pause. Cat's eyes almost shoot fire while his lips slowly curl in a sickeningly fake saccharine smile. He's got a zinger up his sleeve.)_  
  
**Cat** _(Slowly and deliberate)_ : Feeling lucky …? Bonehead!!

 **Rimmer** _(let's go of the suit and staggers)_ : What? What did you say? Take that back right now!!  
  
**Cat** _(Smiling in triumph)_ : Eat my dust, bonehead!!

 _(Rimmer storms forward and slaps Cat.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Gleefully)_ : Bet you didn't expect THAT!  
  
**Cat** _(his eyebrows slowly rise as he brings his hand to his cheek)_ : You hit me. _(Fully realises)_ How dare you!  
  
_(Cat jumps at Rimmer and tries to scratch him. Rimmer dives behind one of Cat's suits.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Smeg!  
  
_(They pathetically try to fight each-other, circling round and round the closet and each other neither truly managing to reach the other.)_  
  
**Cat:** This is all your fault.  
  
**Rimmer:** MY fault? How on IO is this MY fault?  
  
**Cat:** If you hadn't come in here …

 **Rimmer:** If you hadn't been your stupid vain self again, I' d never have come here and we'd both be safely aboard Starbug now.  
  
**Cat:** Damn.  
  
**Rimmer:** What?  
  
**Cat:** That actually makes sense.

_(The fight draws to its feeble close when both are out of breath and Rimmer suddenly grabs his back as he suffers a bad spasm.)_

**Rimmer:** My back!! I must have pulled it in the fall.  
  
_(He bends over holding on to the wall, doing a few breathing exercises to help ease his pain.)_  
  
**Cat:** Want me to pull something else bone ...  
  
**Rimmer** _(He is preoccupied with the pain he is in so Cat's taunting doesn't impress him anymore)_ : Oh shut up Tiddles, this is getting us no-where. _(He lets go of the wall and rises rubbing his temples)_ Look if we're going to be stuck together we might as well act as adults instead of fourteen-year-old girls.  
  
**Cat:** That's rich, coming from a drama queen.  
  
**Rimmer:** Marvellous, just marvellous. I get roused from my bed by a red alert the second I almost drift off. Then I spent the next forty minutes loading Starbug with a blind drunk Lister and a barely concious Kryten only to get stuck in some squalid warehouse with RuPaul's slightly more camp sister!!  
  
**Cat** _(Narrows his eyes)_ : Squalid? You calling my closet squalid?  
  
**Rimmer:** Yes. Taking into account how much you brag about it, frankly I'm disappointed.  
  
**Cat:** I've never been so insulted.  
  
**Rimmer:** Good, that makes two of us.  
  
_(Cat pulls a leaver and suddenly the lights go on, the room seems to change and turns into a paradise beach, complete with a small terrace on which a table and two chairs stand.)_  
  
**Cat:** You still call this squalid? Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?  
  
_(Rimmer just stares at his changed surroundings. He's momentarily lost for words.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** How …? Where …? _(A sudden thought hits him)_ Have Space Corp Health and Safety rules been considered when building this? Did you gain permission through all necessary channels?  
  
**Cat:** Damn! You’ve got your head so far up your arse you could chew your food twice!! I put paradise in front of your eyes and you're thinking of rules?!  
   
**Rimmers:** Rules comfort me, I know where I am with rules. Imagine if there where no rules, where would we be?  
  
**Cat:** Still here …  
  
_(Shaking his head Cat jumps over the small railing of the terrace and lands in the chair facing the wall. Rimmer wants to follow him.)_

 **Rimmer:** Thank God, a chair. Don't think my back could last much longer.  
  
**Cat** _(Icy)_ : Who invited you to sit?  
  
**Rimmer** : Well ... There are two chairs, aren't there?  
  
**Cat:** I only sit here with people I like.  
  
**Rimmer:** But non of us have ever been in here!  
  
**Cat:** That's what I mean … _(He grins at a giant mirror opposite him)_ Hi buddy.  
  
**Rimmer:** So, where am I supposed to sit?  
  
**Cat** _(points at the floor)_ : Take your pick …  
  
**Rimmer** _(Weakly)_ : But … my back …  
  
_(Cat is getting infuriated. He turns round in his chair to face Rimmer balefully.)_  
  
**Cat:** Look dude, I don't like you. I never did. I wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire. I couldn't care less about your back if it was dog doo. Now sit down and shut up or I'll gag you with a scarf.  
_(He turns back to face his mirror and sees something that startles him)_ A WRINKLE?! Now look what you did.

 _(Rimmer stands behind Cat, the wind knocked out of him. Cat's outburst has upset him. He quietly walks to a wall and carefully slides down.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Try and rescue someone and that's the thanks you get.  
  
_(A big silence. Cat stares at himself and Rimmer in the mirror. Rimmer rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes. He shivers and is clearly drained by the events of the night.)_  
  
**Cat** _(A bit softer)_ : Rescue?  
  
**Rimmer** _(opens his eyes to look at Cat)_ : Well, I was coming to get you, wasn't I? Might as well have left you here for all the good it's done me.  
  
_(Out of nowhere Cat suddenly throws him a pillow followed by a blanket.)_  
  
**Cat:** Now go to sleep.  
  
_(The next day.  
_  
_Rimmer is slowly waking up on the floor. Opening his eyes he is shocked to find Cat – dressed and primped- sitting far to close to him and staring at him intensely.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** What the smeg you think you're doing, you fruitcake?!  
  
**Cat:** Good, you're up. I was wondering how much longer you'd be. I've been up for hours.  
  
**Rimmer:** You? The king of snooze?  
  
**Cat:** You're cramping my style.  
  
**Rimmer:** Sure, blame me, why don't you. _(He tries to get up but his back has stiffened)_ I think I might need a hand here.

 _(Against his better judgement Cat begins to help Rimmer up. Despite being in pain when getting up, once he stands Rimmer acts as if nothing has happened and begins babbling cheerily.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Good. Now, I was thinking. Seeing we might be stuck here for some considerable time we'd better do some investigating. Our main priority: where can we find food and water? I haven't eaten since yesterday breakfast. Lister cooked last night, you see: Ecrasite Kebab, I ask you. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what caused the explosion in the first place …

 **Cat** _(Flabbergasted)_ : You need food?

 **Rimmer:** In hard-light form I do, and seeing I can't go to soft-light anymore, frankly I'm famished.  
  
**Cat:** Now that sucks, non-bud. I'm gonna get some breakfast.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Frowns)_ : Breakfast? You mean there's food here?  
  
**Cat:** Of-course I've got food here. This is my favourite camping spot!  
  
_(He opens a curtain to reveal a cosy kitchen and a giant freezer. He opens it and takes out a tray, which he puts into a microwave.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Excellent, we're saved.  
  
**Cat** _(Making himself expressively clear)_ : I said: I'VE got food here!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Taken aback)_ : Oh, okay, I see what you mean …  
  
_(A little later. Cat is enjoying his meal on his terrace while a hungry Rimmer is eyeing him enviously from the floor.)_  
  
**Cat** _(overdoing how much he enjoys it)_ : Hmm, man!! This is delicious! You don't know what you're missing!! What a treat.  
  
_(Rimmer swallows and closes his eyes, clearly trying to take his mind of the food. It doesn't make much difference, as his stomach begins to growl.)_  
  
**Cat** _(slams his fork down in annoyance)_ : Could you stop that? It's disgusting. I'm trying to enjoy my meal here!  
  
_(Rimmer's eyes shoot open and he stares at Cat with a look of pure injustice.)_

 **Rimmer** _(upset)_ : I can't help it, I'm starving.  
  
**Cat:** You mean you'll be doing that for the next few days?  
  
**Rimmer:** Very possibly, yes. _(His protesting stomach rumbles even louder, Rimmer wraps him arms around it tightly both in embarrassment and to repress the hunger pangs.)_  
  
_(Cat sighs.)_  
  
**Cat:** Okay buddy, here's the deal. I'm going to give you one of my dinners, but ONLY because those sounds disgust me. And if you ever tell anyone I did this, you don't wanna know what happens.  
  
**Rimmer** _(hastily)_ : Agreed! What have you got?  
  
**Cat:** Fish.  
  
**Rimmer** _(frowning)_ : Fish, is that all?  
  
**Cat:** Fishcakes, oriental-style Soy-glazed tuna steaks, spicy shellfish, and Sea bass with sizzled ginger, chilli  & spring onions. In short FISH!  
  
**Rimmer:** I hate fish. Is there nothing else?  
  
**Cat** _(getting very edgy)_ : It's fish. Take it or leave it, dude!  
  
**Rimmer** _(weary)_ : I'll take it.  
  
**Cat** _(happy again)_ : Good.  
  
_(He gets out a tray from the freezer and gives it to Rimmer whom gratefully accepts it._  
  
_A little later, they are both eating, Cat at his table, while Rimmer still has to make do with the floor._  
_There is a brooding silence as both men are deep in thought. Then Rimmer speaks.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Cat …  
  
**Cat:** Hmm …  
  
**Rimmer:** Have you ever felt as if you've wasted your life …?  
  
**Cat:** Say WHAT?  
  
**Rimmer:** I mean just saying. I don't mean anything by it. But just saying.  
  
**Cat:** But … what ARE you saying? That's what I'd like to know.  
  
**Rimmer:** I'm saying: you've been locked on this ship for most of your life. Did you never even think of just grabbing one of the crafts and go out there off into the universe to find … Whatever it is a cat wants to find?  
  
_(Cat falls silent, without noticing he rhythmically taps the edge of his plate with his fork.)_  
  
**Cat:** Once …  
  
**Rimmer** _(Stunned)_ : Once?  
  
**Cat:** Around the time I first met you guys, after the priest died. But then gerbil-face took charge and I let it slide.  
  
**Rimmer** _(scoffs)_ : You let your plans slide because of … Lister??!  
  
**Cat:** Don't be judging me goalpost-head!! So did you!  
  
**Rimmer** _(laughs mockingly)_ : Don't be an imbecile! I never let Lister stop me from anything!!  
  
**Cat:** You'd be surprised!! That Backwards world?  
  
**Rimmer:** I loved it there … But Lister said ...  
  
**Cat:** Your exams.  
  
**Rimmer:** Well, I'm still taking them … secretly because Lister always … _(He stops dead)_ I see what you're doing here. It's not going to work!!  
  
**Cat:** Hamster-cheeks is in charge! Admit it man.  
  
**Rimmer:** Could you please stop this nonsense: Lister is NOT in charge!  
  
**Cat:** If he's not in charge, why are we still going to earth. I'm not from earth, are you?  
  
**Rimmer:** I'm from IO, you know that and I have no desire to go back there. Where did you want to go?  
  
**Cat:** Search for the Cats … Or at least for a female cat. I've never seen a grown Cat lady, except for my mother. _(Rimmer wants to react to that, but a gesture from Cat stops him)_ What would you want?  
  
**Rimmer** _(thinks, then his eyes grow wide and mist over)_ : I'd have never turned this ship round. I would just sail on, till the end of the universe. Exploring this whole galaxy - in a rational and safe way, of course. But exploring all the same. Seeing all there is to see until the end of time. No battles, no hassles, just seeing the beauty of deep space.  
  
**Cat:** But we're still going to earth all the same because he's ...  
  
**Both** _(making brackets with their hands)_ : “The last human.”  
  
**Rimmer** _(Scoffs)_ : Or so he claims …  
  
_(They laugh.)_  
  
**Cat:** Human, he? If he ever came to earth he'd be listed in Who's Who as WHAT'S THAT?!  
  
_(They laugh again.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** That's a good one!! I must remember that one!!  
  
**Cat:** We're not even really going to earth now, are we?  
  
**Rimmer:** You know, I haven't even bothered to check that anymore.  
  
**Cat:** You see; letting it slide!  
  
_(Rimmer thinks.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Aren't we looking for Kochanski now?  
  
**Cat:** Why?  
  
**Rimmer:** Who knows? I never liked her, but Lister still … _(Something clicks)_ Hang on!!  
  
**Cat** _(Jumps up and points at Rimmer)_ : Boom! Seeing the big picture now, fella? The big D's in charge!! All those battles he dragged us into, I know I never wanted to go!! _(He sits back down again.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** How do you think I feel? He keeps dragging me into his mess. At least you get a warning. _(Imitates Lister)_ “Ooh, didn't I tell you Rimmer, I've got a bit of a Barney with that Simulant, bye!” You know: he's actually sold me twice!  
  
**Cat:** Now that's just plain rude.  
  
**Rimmer:** You're telling me! Come to think of it: I've spent the best years of my death cleaning his half of the bunk room just because I got fed up arguing about his socks and underpants. I had nightmares about them attacking me.  
  
**Cat:** Don't forget the toenails and the constant smell of curry.  
  
**Rimmer:** The endless guilt trips.  
  
**Cat:** The singing.  
  
**Both:** The guitar!  
  
**Rimmer:** Well I never. You're right Cat, he's in charge!!  
  
**Cat:** Yes! At last someone gets it! I've been saying it for years.  
  
**Rimmer:** You've never said it before Cat.  
  
**Cat:** Well, I've been thinking it. And I'm fed up with it. Things need to change.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Curious)_ : And what pray do you have in mind to achieve this?  
   
**Cat:** Strike!!  
  
**Rimmer:** What if he brings a rogue GELF home again? A strike won't do you much good if you're getting blown up.  
  
**Cat:** Shoot him into space.  
  
**Rimmer:** No, we tried that, remember? He keeps coming back.  
  
**Cat:** If you know better, you think up something.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Rebellious)_ : FINE!! The next time he orders us about … You know what we should do?  
  
**Cat:** No, what?  
  
**Rimmer:** We should … _(Stops to think)_ You know, we should just come in here and lock the door!!  
  
**Cat** _(likes this: A LOT!)_ : Well, now you're speaking my language buddy!!  
  
**Rimmer:** And I'll tell you something else … This fish isn't half bad!! _(He laughs, then winces and rubs his back again)_ Oh, my back is killing me.  
  
_(Cat closes his eyes, he can't believe he is going to do this.)_  
  
**Cat:** I must be going out of my mind. _(Points at the chair at the other end of the table.)_ You can sit there …  
  
_(Rimmer's head shoot up, he wants to say “Really?”, but Cat stops him before his lips even have the chance to form the “R”.)_  
  
**Cat:** Now. Before I regret this.  
  
_(Rimmer quickly picks up his tray and takes his place. Sitting on a chair clearly does him good. A long silence as the pair stare at each-other puzzlingly. Rimmer breaks the silence, clearing his throat.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** That's quite a remarkable place you've got here …  
  
**Cat:** It's mine.  
  
**Rimmer:** I know, I know. I'm not claiming it or anything. I'm just saying that you have a beautiful … home.  
  
**Cat** _(clearly delighted)_ : Impressive, isn't it? Wait till you see THIS!!

 _(Cat presses a button and a bottle of champagne rises up in the middle of the table.)_  
  
**Cat:** Champagne?  
  
_(Rimmer stares at the bottle in front of him in amazement.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** But how did you …?? We ran out of this years ago.

 **Cat:** No, I ran INTO this years ago, and ever since then it was MINE!! Now, do you want some or not?!!  
  
_(Later. The pair still sit at the table. Cat pores the last of the champagne in their glasses. Rimmer is beginning to feel it.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** You know, I'm not sure if I should have done this on an empty stomach … _(He looks up at Cat and laughs.)_ Oh what the hell … _(He doesn't seem to be able to stop rambling, while Cat just stares at him.)_ Did I tell you I really like this place of yours? I really do. It's like … like a holiday away from home. We should do this more often!

 _(Cat stares at Rimmer and shakes his head.)_  
  
**Cat:** Buddy, you can TALK!!  
  
_(Hours later. Rimmer and Cat are laying on the floor on a soft pile of fabric, gazing up at Cat's costumes and a lightshow that plays on the ceiling. They are both slightly drunk.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** You know, I always wondered: where do you get the discipline?  
  
**Cat:** For what?  
  
**Rimmer:** Making all that stuff. _(He strokes one of Cat's coats.)_ Your clothes, they're really works of art.  
  
**Cat:** It's a Cat thing …  
  
**Rimmer:** Hmm … You see, I never told you: but I like that in you, you know. That you're disciplined in something and care about your appearance. Unlike … you know who.  
  
**Cat:** That's not all I'm disciplined about!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Interested)_ : You're not?

 **Cat:** After I make the suits, I colour code every item of clothing …  
  
**Rimmer** _(getting excited)_ : Ooh excellent!!  
  
**Cat:** Then I make a list …  
  
**Rimmer** _(His eyes actually start to glimmer)_ : You make a list? I love lists …!  
  
**Cat:** I'll show you!!  
  
_(Cat sits up and opens a drawer. He takes out a huge binder and hands it to Rimmer. Rimmer sits up eagerly and opens it. The binder is full of lists, charts and plans. Rimmer's eyes grow wide in glee.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** This is amazing!  
  
_(Without thinking Cat sets himself closer to Rimmer, they're almost touching.)_  
  
**Cat** _(Excitedly)_ : You think?!  
  
**Rimmer:** Absolutely.  
  
**Cat:** You wouldn't catch armpit-stench making these.  
  
**Rimmer** _(wrinkles his nose in disdain)_ : Him? He can't even alphabetise his tape collection … Worst thing is he only has two! _(He spots something on the chart.)_ Hey, I think you missed a trick there, you know.  
  
**Cat:** Where?  
  
**Rimmer** _(points)_ : There. You've got your stripes next to your polka dots, while the natural fabrics are on the other side of the cupboard. If you move them together you'd save at-least fifteen minutes that you could use for …

 **Cat:** Showers …  
  
**Rimmer:** Snoozing …  
  
**Cat:** String game … Hey! _(He smiles, thinking)_ I like that bud. What else you got?  
  
**Rimmer** _(Getting into it)_ : Well. I was thinking: why don't you stick colour coded indexes to the top of the book? You could flick them open on the exact page. That would save you erm … at-least twenty minutes as well!!  
  
**Cat:** More showers!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Or snoozing!!  
  
**Cat:** Junior angler!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Actually smiling)_ : Have you got that game here by any chance?  
  
**Cat:** Yeah I do. Fancy a go?  
  
**Rimmer:** Yes. But not yet. Let's finish this first. Socks: do they need to stay here or should they be closer to the shoes? _(He looks at Cat)_ I haven't had this much fun in years!!  
  
**Cat:** I didn't know you could BE this much fun in years!

 _(Time lapse. Rimmer and Cat are still working on the chart, paper has piled up around them. Rimmer is by now wearing one of Cat's jackets.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** See, if you'd move those shoes there, then …

 _(Suddenly the door blasts open and Lister and Kryten appear. Lister is holding a steaming bazookoid.)_  
  
**Lister:** Don't worry Cat I'm here to … _(He stops dead when he sees Rimmer and Cat sitting side by side on the pile of fabric, laughing and making lists. Mutters)_ safe you …  
  
_(Cat looks up, very annoyed.)_  
  
**Cat:** Mind my suits. Buddy!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(looks up just as annoyed, in Cat's voice)_ : Yeah, mind his suits. Buddy!! _(In his own voice)_ And go away, we're busy here!

 **Cat** _(like Rimmer)_ : Yeah, go away, we're busy here.

 _(They return their attention to the chart.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** See, if you'd move those shoes there, then …  
  
**Cat** _(nods)_ : The hats and scarfs would be side by side!!  
  
**Both:** Saving an extra five minutes for a snooze! _(Smiling at each other)_ : Marvellous!!  
  
_(Lister and Kryten just look at each other in sheer horror.)  
  
_**The End**


End file.
